28 January 2012

Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom

You probably think that being a Muslim involves praying five times a day, eating halal food, fasting during Ramadan, and traveling to Mecca once in your lifetime. And, for many Muslims, it does. But there's a heck of lot more to it than that.

Take going to the bathroom, for instance.

Now it's true that Allah doesn't provide much bathroom guidance in the Quran, although there is this bit of helpful advice:
When ye rise up for prayer ... if ye ... cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it. Quran 5:6
Which tells us that that kind of thing is important to Allah. He cares about your bathroom routine.

And so does Muhammad (PB&J be upon him). He was absolutely obsessed with it. Here is what he had to say:
Your Apostle (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) teaches you about everything, even about excrement. (1)
So let's take a look at some of the things that Muhammad taught about excrement.
  1. Before entering the bathroom, cover your head, put shoes on your feet, and say this little prayer: "O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils."
    When going to the toilet the messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would wear footwear. He would cover his blessed head and before stepping into the room, he would read: 'O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils.' (1)
  2. Enter the bathroom with your left foot.
    The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would enter the toilet with his left foot. (1)
  3. Don't read the Quran while on the toilet.
    Any verse of the Qur'an, should be removed before entering the toilet. (1)
  4. Don't let anyone see you pee. (No one ever saw Muhammad do it -- except for all those eyewitnesses who provided the glorious details about his peeing technique.)
    Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him) states that, 'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself he would go so far that no-one could see him.' We should make sure that there is complete privacy whilst relieving one's self; this is modesty that every Muslim should have. (1)
    A person should be concealed from the sight of others when answering the call of nature. ... How can anybody uncover in front of other people the ‘awrah (private parts) which Allaah has placed between his legs to conceal it and commanded him to cover it? (2)
    One should move and hide himself from others, as the prophet SAAWS only relieved himself when he was out of site. (2)
  5. Don't try to hold it before prayer. If you do, your prayer won't count. (Allah knows who has to pee or fart and who doesn't, and he gets pissed off when he sees people praying when they should be peeing.)
    When the time for prayer comes and one of you needs to relieve himself, he should do that first ... it is Makrooh-e-Tehrimi to hold urine/wind or the need to go to the toilet. One should relieve themselves first as the Salaah will have to be repeated. (1)
  6. Keep all of your clothes on until the very last second. Then take off only the clothes that are absolutely necessary while getting as close to the ground as possible. (God hates to see you naked.)
    'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself, he would not remove the clothing from his body until he was close to the ground. (1)
    A person should not uncover his ‘awrah (private parts) until after he has squatted close to the ground, because this is more concealing, as Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to answer the call of nature, he would not lift his garment until he had squatted close to the ground.” (2)
  7. Point your face in some other direction besides Mecca while pooping or peeing -- but for God's sake don't point your butt or penis in that direction either. (If your toilet at home is facing Mecca, you're up shit creek, so to speak. If you're a good Muslim, you'll remodel the bathroom so the toilet faces New York, Rome, or Salt Lake City instead.)
    Facing or keeping the back towards the Qibla whilst going to the toilet is forbidden. We should take care of this at all times. If the toilet is facing the Qibla in your home then try and sacrifice some money and have it changed as you will be sinning every time you use the toilet. (1)
    Your Prophet has taught you everything, even how to defecate!” Salmaan said: “Yes, he forbade us to face the qiblah when urinating or defecating…” (2)
    The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you sits down to answer the call of nature, he should not face the qiblah or turn his back towards it.” (2)
  8. When you're doing your business, don't touch your penis with your right hand. Use your left hand to hold it while peeing and to wipe your butt after you're done pooping. (Don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing.)
    The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said that, 'None of you should hold the private parts with the right hand while urinating, or wipe with the right hand in the privy. (1)
    [T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you wipes himself, he should not use his right hand.” (2)
  9. Don't use the right hand for cleaning either. It's pretty much useless while in the bathroom. (I try to keep mine over my head or behind my back.)
    Do not use the right hand for cleansing (Istinja) as it goes against the Sunnah unless you have a problem with your right hand. We use the right hand for eating, drinking, shaking hands, reading the Qur'an etc. we should use the other hand for cleaning, holding shoes, cleaning the nose etc. (1)
    The Prophet’s wife Hafsah (may Allaah be pleased with her) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to use his right hand for eating, drinking, making wudoo (?), getting dressed, and giving and taking things, and he used to use his left hand for other things. (2)
  10. Wash and wipe an odd number of times.
    Wash in odd numbers i.e. 1, 3, 5 or 7 times. (1)
    [T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to wash his posterior three times. Ibn ‘Umar said: “We did this too and found it to be healing and cleansing.” (2)
  11. Do all your clean-up with just three fingers: the middle fingers of your left hand. (May take some practice.)
    Use the left hand middle three fingers for cleanings. (1)
  12. For an easier pee, try pushing on your left leg.
    Put slight pressure on the left leg it makes it relieving easier. (1)
  13. Pee sitting down. Whoever pees standing up will go straight to hell when they die. (Muhammad's nine year old wife, Aisha, swore he was a sit-down pee-er.)
    Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) says that, 'Whosoever says that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would stand up and urinate do not believe them, he would urinate but sitting down ... One of the reasons of the punishment in the grave is because of urinating standing up, Islam has given us a method to follow not only will you relieve yourself but you will be rewarded too. (1)
  14. Don't get any urine on yourself. If you do you, Allah will torture you in hell for it. As the Prophet of Pee said so well, "Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine."
    Once the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) while passing through a graveyard heard the voices of two persons who were being punished in their graves. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These two persons are being punished not for something major (it is not difficult to be save from it).' The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) then added, 'Yes! (They are being tortured for a major sin) Indeed, one of them never saved himself from being soiled with his urine... (1)
    He should be careful to remove all impurity after answering the call of nature, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against being careless in cleaning oneself after urinating: “Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine.” (2)
  15. Females should wipe with the heel of the left palm, being careful not to separate the legs too much.
    The sister should cleanse themselves with the lower palm of the left hand and do not separate the legs to wide. (1)
  16. Males should hold the penis from the top with the left hand index finger and thumb, gently milking it until all the drops come out.
    When cleaning yourself, males should hold their penis from the top with the left hand index finger and the thumb. Gently work your way down (as if milking an animal) so if drops are left they will come out. (1)
  17. Whatever you do, be sure to get that last drop out. Force the little bugger if you have to.
    After performing urination, if you feel that another drop of urine will come, then it is wajib for you to perform 'Istibrao' meaning after urination to perform some act that would force the urine left inside, to come out . (1)
  18. First wash the front of the penis and then the back.
    First wash the front then the back. (1)
  19. In all of this, try hard not to even look at your penis. Looking at your own penis can cause severe memory loss.
    Do not look at your private parts as there is a chance of the memory becoming weak. (1)
  20. When you finally force that last drop out and you've washed your penis, front and back, wash your hands three times.
    After you have relieved yourself, wash your hands up to the wrists thrice. (1)
  21. Don't talk in the bathroom. If someone else talks, cough three times. (God doesn't like it when people talk while not fully clothed.)
    One should not talk in the toilet without absolute necessity but if a person outside is calling and does not know then cough thrice to make them aware. ... When two people talk when the body is uncovered Allah (The Exalted) is displeased. (1)
    [A] man passed by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) whilst he was urinating, and greeted him. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him: “If you see me in this state, do not greet me, because if you do, I will not respond.” (Reported by Ibn Maajah, 346; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 575). The majority of scholars say that it is makrooh (disliked) to speak in the restroom unnecessarily. (2)
  22. Wipe your butt with your left hand, using at least three pebbles. But don't use bones or dung, for, as Muhammad said, "They are the food of the jinn."
    Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that he used to carry a vessel for the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to do wudoo’ and clean himself after answering the call of nature. Whilst he was following him, he (the Prophet) asked, “Who is that?” He said: “I am Abu Hurayrah.” He said: “Get me some stones I can use to clean myself, but do not bring me any bones or dung.” So I brought him some stones, carrying them in the hem of my garment, and placed them by his side, then I went away. When he had finished, I came back and asked him, “What is wrong with bones and dung?” He said: “They are the food of the jinn.” (2)
    No one shall make "Estinjaa" without using three stones. ... The prophet SAAWS asked his servant (Abdullah Ibn Masood) to bring him three stones for "Estinja", Ibn Masood RAA only found two stones so he brought him a piece of animal's droppings (dung) that was dry. When the prophet saw it, he threw it away and said that it is Najasah (impure). ... "Salman was once asked: Your prophet teaches you everything, even how to relieve yourselves? Salman said: Certainly.... he forbade us from facing the Qiblah while doing so, from cleaning ourselves with our right hand, and from cleaning ourselves with less than three stones. (3)
  23. When you're done, wash your private parts with water. (Muhammad didn't have to do this, though, because his pee was special.)
    Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) narrates that, 'The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) went to answer the call of nature, 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) bought some water. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'What is this'' He replied, 'Water for cleansing (Istinja).' The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'It has not been made necessary (Wajib) upon me after urinating to cleanse myself with water.'(1)
  24. Watch out for jinns and devils. They like to hang out in bathrooms and mess with your private parts.
    [T]he Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These toilets are peopled by Jinn and devils, so when one of you goes there say, 'I seek protection in you from the male and female devil.'' Meaning pray the supplication before entering the toilet.
    The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'When one of you intends to go to the toilet then recite 'Bismillah' a veil will be placed between the jinn and the parts of your body.' This should be recited before entering the toilet. (1)
  25. When you're all done, leave with your right foot.
    When leaving the toilet one should step out with the right foot. (1)
  26. After leaving, say a little prayer to the toilet god.
    Once outside the toilet read this supplication: 'O Allah I seek Your pardon. All praises are due to Allah who has taken away from me discomfort and granted me relief.' (1)
    When leaving the toilet, he should say: “Ghufraanak (I seek Your forgiveness).” (2)
  27. If you fail to follow any of these rules, the invisible bathroom devils will give you some sort of mental illness.
    We should try and learn these short supplications and practise them too. If we do not seek Allah's (The Exalted) protection from the devils, then there is a chance we can be affected with mental illnesses from the devils. We can not see the devils and when you can not see your enemy they are more dangerous. (1)
So you see what I mean. If you follow all those rules every time you go to the bathroom, you won't have much time for anything else.

1 Sunnah of Going to the Bathroom (Toilet)
2 Muslim Bathroom Etiquette
3 Istinjaa - Bathroom Etiquette

71 comments:

JustJoeP said...

what a total load of excrement!

Very thoroughly compiled, too! Or... number 2?

Anders said...

So every time they tell us we shouldn't take the piss out of the Koran, this is what they're talking about - they just want to keep it intact.

The Wise Fool said...

That is incredibly fascinating! And hilarious!

I guess it is a grave reminder that you can't get away from Allah, even for private matters.

Great research!

The Nerd said...

Could not stop laughing.

Bukko Canukko said...

I work in a hospital psychiatric ward. Reading these rules for bathroom behaviour, I am reminded of the thought pattern of obsessive-compulsives. Rigid rules about filth and fetishized cleaning practices (especially the bit about numbers.)

Nothing against Muslims in particular. Their religious craziness is no more insane than any other faith's lunacy. I used to have respect for religion, even though I did not believe a whit of it myself, until I started noticing how many paranoid schizophrenics expressed their violent antisocial feelings in religious terms. "God wants me to kill so-and-so" etc.

That's when it hit me that religion is like a computer worm for the human brain; a bit of bad code that somehow fits into a programming hole in how we're wired to think. Lots of people don't have the anti-virus protection of rationality, so their grey-matter hard drives become corrupted and start spewing out garbage. Reboot! Reboot!

diogenes0007 said...

I must compliment the author for the thorough research associated with this Blog. Of course whenever we read about a religion that is so legalistic on procedures, it is so tempting to wisecrack on such an obvious topic as bathroom etiquette.
Yet as Christians, we must look upon Islam as a religion developed by Muhammad to unify his followers and establish a legalistic system by which a Muslim would believe that Paradise awaits the righteous Muslim who follows all the rules.
Conversely, a Christian understands that it is by grace (unmerited favor)not works, and faith in Jesus Christ, that God gives the gift of eternal salvation.
According to Muhammad, a Muslim that performs all the rituals at the Hajj will come out as sinless as the day they were born. Only Muslims are allowed to enter Mecca for the Hajj.
Christianity is all inclusive, while Islam is exclusive.

Girl Atheist said...

This is absolutely amazing, in the best way! I had no idea Islam had so much focus on poo.

Anders said...

diogenes0007 "a christian understands that it is by grace (unmerited favor)not works"

I take it you don't consider catholics to be christians then. They consider your idea of grace without works to be blasphemy

"Christianity is all inclusive" - so first you say that catholics aren't christians, and then you say it's all-inclusive.

You have to laugh at the statements of True Believers (tm), when they argue over whose imaginary friend has the biggest genital equipment

"Christianity is all inclusive - except for those guys, they're going straight to hell; oh, and except for you, I'll laugh when you burn; oh, and except for these guys; ah, and I forgot those guys over there.....but we're all-inclusive, really. You just have to do and think exactly as we say, isn't that what freedom is all about?"

Captcha: tripp. Yes, it's a real tripp

Tony said...

I'm always shocked by these self proclaimed Xtians (diogenese0007, im talking to you) who don't read their bibles! As Steve points out, there are 194 distinct ways to be saved (by the most recent count). This "grace alone" crap has to stop.

Stephen said...

"Don't read the Quran while on the toilet."
Damn! My favorite loo reading material... really stimulates the peristalsis.

Congratulations, Steve: you've outed the Big Mo as one of the earliest documented sufferers of OCD!
Steve Weeks

lunedreams said...

"Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine."

I knew it.

Anubis said...

You probably won't accept this comment so I don't know why I'm bothering.

But 90% of the bathroom etiquette mentioned by Islam is just common sense (like washing yourself with water). There's religious elaboration like saying certain things - mostly for the deeply religious who prefer to be have a continuous sense of spirituality about their lives - but that's about it.

Your condescending descriptions about each element just make it seem onerous. I can fulfill 99% of the bathroom obligations (again, mostly cleanliness related) in a span of 5 minutes.

Steve Wells said...

Anubis,

90% of the bathroom etiquette mentioned by Islam is just common sense.

No, 90% of the bathroom "etiquette" is bat-shit crazy bullshit. Asking Allah to protect you from male and female devils; entering with your left foot and leaving with your right; making sure your face and butt don't point towards Mecca; using your left hand to do the dirty work; washing and wiping an odd number of times, using stones or dirt; worrying about going to hell over a drop of pee; and fearing that if you look at your own penis you'll lose your memory.

None of these are common sense. All of them are bat-shit crazy.

Anubis said...

"bat-shit crazy"

Hmmm, one man's "religion" is another man's crazy. People's endless pursuit of money is "bat-shit" crazy to many religious people. But to the religious practitioner, doing these simple elaborations (like not facing toward Mecca out of respect, and imitating the life of their prophet by preferring the right hand) is beneficial to their spiritual resolve because it reminds them of their duty and purpose in life. And they take no more than 5 minutes to do, if that at all. People spend hours on youtube and facebook essentially doing nothing nowadays so it's not like human society is "above" apparently mindless repetitive tasks.

Steve Wells said...

Anubis,

So you were overstating things a bit when you said "90% of the bathroom etiquette mentioned by Islam is just common sense" -- by about 100% or so. It has nothing to do with common sense, it has to do with imitating Muhammad. If he said to wipe your but an odd number of times with your left hand using an odd number of pebbles while reciting a prayer to protect you from male and female devils while making sure not to point your face or private parts toward Mecca -- you'd do it. What the heck, it only takes five minutes or so and it reminds you of your duty and purpose in life (to do whatever Mo said to do). Nothing crazy about that, now is there?

Stephen said...

Looking forward to the next set of explanations from New BS. I'm wondering if your butt or face has to not be facing Mecca in a straight line (through the earth), or as the crow flies. Did Mo know the earth is round?
Steve Weeks

nazani said...

Having been to places where toilet tissue is a rare commodity, I do understand why the left hand is reserved for wiping, and the right for eating. Squatting to pee helps prevent getting splashed. These desert folk lived without leafy vegetation or abundant water for cleaning. Surrounding these acts with prayers and ritual is silly, but my ancestors had prayers and charms for everything for making butter to getting favorable winds, so I'll bet they had rituals for preventing spirits from attacking them when they had their breeks down, too.

Yahya Abdul-Baseir said...

I dont even know where to start. Bathroom ettiquete??? Your first step towards learning about Islam was bathroom ettiquete??? Wow, lol. How about that the Qur'an revealed the Big Bang in the 7th century while scientists just developed the theory in the 70's. Or how about that it revealed that the sun not only is not the center of the universe but it rotates and revolves around its own axis. You could have chose any subject from geology to oceanography, from embryology to botany and then some. And all of these fields have been tested by modern science and none have gone againts their findings. But you chose bathroom ettiquete and opted to ridicule what you've found. People commend you on your research but i've read some of the things you have stated with your limited knowledge pertaining this subject matter which exposed your lack of understanding of what you have even posted. Now if you want to choose a subject to ridicule from the Qur'an how about you take a look at the origins of the universe along with quantum mechanics and tell me what faults you find.

Steve Wells said...

Thanks for that, Yahya. Now we know why the Islamic world is so advanced scientifically. It's all in the Quran!

But my post wasn't about the scientific merits of the the Quran. It was about Muhammad's obsessions about going to the bathroom.

Was there something I got wrong in my post?

Yahya Abdul-Baseir said...

al-Ikhlâs - The Purity
سُوۡرَةُ الإخلاص
بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

قُلۡ هُوَ ٱللَّهُ أَحَدٌ (١) ٱللَّهُ ٱلصَّمَدُ (٢) لَمۡ يَلِدۡ وَلَمۡ يُولَدۡ (٣) وَلَمۡ يَكُن لَّهُ ۥ ڪُفُوًا أَحَدٌ (٤)

In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Say: He is Allah, the One and Only!
Allah, the Eternal, Absolute;
He begetteth not nor is He begotten.
And there is none like unto Him.


Actually science as we know it today owes a huge debt to Islam. Research that. Also the Qur'an is not a book of science. It's a book of signs. The fact that no one even had the technology to try and confirm the scientific statements of the Qur'an until recently is a huge sign and should part you from your satire. For some reason however you seem to be stuck on this topic of bathroom etiquette. Well, I have conducted some research of my own. Something simple. I looked up the definition of obsession and it is as follows; the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc. Now the keyword here sir is DOMINATION. Look deeper into Prophet Muhammads (PBUH) life and you'll see that this subject matter you cant let go of is virtually nowhere on his list of accomplishments. And on to the other half of my research. I looked up the word etiquette which is as follows;conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion. I'm not going to confine this to a debate about bathroom etiquette seeing that you seem to be unknowing or confused about its very definition by calling it obsession. If you have any real issues with Islam let us deal with them. Maybe I can help to clear them up or maybe I can't but I am willing to try sir. And that goes for anyone else who took the time out to comment on your post. If you feel it is the truth you are upon then share it with me. I feel Islam is the truth and I would love for you to continue to try and punch wholes in it but give me the opportunity for rebuttal. Thanks for reading.

Steve Wells said...

So you don't dispute the content of my post then Yahya? All of the 27 items on my list are accurate descriptions of Muhammad's bathroom instructions?

Yahya Abdul-Baseir said...

Well brother, I'd love to feed you with answers to your questions but how about you tackle some of the issues I have raised first and then i'll answer that question. Thank you in advance for your response.

Steve Wells said...

My post was about Muhammad's bathroom rules, Yahya. If you don't want to talk about that, I understand. I wouldn't either if I were you.

Yahya Abdul-Baseir said...

Sir, I did address your post exposing your inability to differentiate between obsession and etiquette. ;-) After further reviewing your post I have seen one repeat, a category that could have been coupled but you chose to seperate to drag out whatever it is your trying to do here as well as something that had nothing to do with bathroom instructions not to mention a false claim. If you want me to agree with your "27" points then try and list 27 references from either the Qur'an or the Sahih Hadith for validation. Now, looking at the valid information you have posted I'd like to know what person of sense would find any of it irrational. So basically the valid points you have listed in your reference to how muslims have been instructed to use the bathroom can be broken down into three categories: 1. Cleanliness 2. Respect and 3. Modesty. Bathroom floors are not known for being sanitary. Wash your private part after using the restroom. If anyone holds anything of value who's going to address it while on the toilet. And the aspects of modesty I hope you will perhaps mature into one day. Thank you for reading.

Steve Wells said...

Thanks, Yahya. So my list is accurate, so far as you know. That's great.

Yahya Abdul-Baseir said...

It is apparant that you didn't read past the first sentence in my last post my dear brother. I hope that your readers don't suffer from the same affliction (of speaking on a statement in which they did not take the time to read in its entirety). With all due respect I noticed that your readers followed up your ignorance with more ignorance. Inshaa Allah/God Willing, I hope that your lack of understanding has been exposed and this is why they are choosing to remain silent. If anyone would like to gain a further understanding of Islam and its practices please just ask someone with a clue. Refer to my blog with any of your questions. http://yahya1610.blogspot.com/ Good day to all.

Steve Wells said...

Yahya said: "Inshaa Allah/God Willing, I hope that your lack of understanding has been exposed."

But you didn't expose anything, Yahya. If anything, you validated my post by failing to point out a single mistake on my part. Thanks, and good luck in the bathroom. (But watch out for those male and female devils!)

prakash mv said...

hahaha...interesting article... and looks very funny... :D

Abdurrahman said...

Hi Steve. I just wanted to point out that the link in your references (link 1) appears to contain a lot of material that is not cited and is unfamiliar to me as a student of Islam. As you probably know, within Islamic scholarship there are some Prophetic Traditions (Hadith) that are considered weak or unreliable due to poor sourcing. There are many examples of in your post of practices that are based on such unreliable sources (ex. covering the head to use the bathroom) and some that are cultural practices or exaggeration of what is required (milking one's self after urinating). Of course, the overall premise of the post, that Muslims are crazy for being concerned with such things, is not changed by such details; I just want to ensure that your mockery of our religion is based on it's merits, not on things not fairly attributed to it. My perspective as a Muslim is that these details you cite are examples of how a Muslim is constantly conscious of God throughout the day, even in otherwise mundane actions. There are supplications that can be said when getting dressed, when entering/exiting the house, when it rains too much, when it does not rain enough, even before intimate relations with one's spouse! Again, for a Muslim the best thing that we can do in life is "dhikr" or remembrance/reflection of God. In that light, maybe you can understand how someone who has a life goal of remembering and connecting to God as much as possible, despite how silly you may consider that, would look for as many opportunities as possible to mention Him, even in the most mundane aspects of life. The Qur'an has a passage that states "And the remembrance of God is greater (than all things/is the highest aim)" (29:45).

komal mahmood said...

As Muslims we are not supposed to bad mouth anyone, hurt anyones feelings and are supposed to respect all religion, then i wonder how we can be bad....when you run around naked, your women dont cover their privates and are most certainly looked upon by most men as whores....where Islam protects its women from the wicked sight of any man....then how can we be savages....and i am truly amazed out of the entire Quran all you could come up with was this.....did you know that sun has its own orbit, something scientists are proving in the twenty first century but Allah revealed it more than 1400 years ago....truly i look at you and i realize that metaphor IGNORANCE IS A BLISS....besides you clean your shit with toilet paper....and recent research reveals that you unbelievers are mostly to die of bacteria and aids and whatnot.....where as muslims and jews and christians in short believers have longer ages....you truly do live in a world of your own, I suggest you wake up because Time is very near and may Allah grant you guidance and give you peace Ammen, however Allah has also said in the Quran Surah Baqarah "Then your hearts became hardened after that, being like stones or even harder. For indeed, there are stones from which rivers burst forth, and there are some of them that split open and water comes out, and there are some of them that fall down for fear of Allah . And Allah is not unaware of what you do." (Quran 2:74) which means if Allah has willed then you will never see the light.....and you are cursed to forever burn in the depths of Hell....

raif110 said...

I dont make fun of your religion - Dont make fun of mine.

Plus I think the stupidest thing to do it to fight over matters like religion or politics on the internet.

Steve Wells said...

raif: "I dont make fun of your religion."

I have no religion, raif. That's what makes it so fun for me. I get to make fun of everyone's religion, but no one can make fun of mine.

Steed Martin said...

Kormal Mahmoud and others...I have read the Quran and could find no science there. If there was why haven't Islamic Scientists been able to invent anything for over 500 years..do they not understand or read the Quran? As a test, please can you tell me when the next Quranic invention is coming out? I read the bit that Mohammed predicted Quntum Physics but the line was so unspecific he could have been inventing r talking about anything.

Let's also talk about the. Big bang that Mohammed and Allah told the world about. If you know Toaism you would know that they say "first there was nothing and then there was everything" and this was thousands of years before the Quran. So is the non-God of Toaism the dad of Allah?

JelloSmooters said...

omg! These were hilarious! I can understand why people would be offended, but in all honesty, that's the beauty of the internet. People can voice their opinions much like the people who disagree with those opinions, can voice theirs. These were wonderfully written along with your responses, those were quite hilarious too!

lovemuslimah said...

Let's take this point by point, shall we?

1.) "Now it's true that Allah doesn't provide much bathroom guidance in the Quran, although there is this bit of helpful advice: Quran 5:6"

Well, this is the entire verse:

O you who believe! When you intend to offer As-Salāt (the prayer), wash your faces and your hands (forearms) up to the elbows, rub (by passing wet hands over) your heads, and (wash) your feet up to ankles. If you are in a state of Janāba (i.e. had a sexual discharge), purify yourself (bathe your whole body). But if you are ill or on a journey or any of you comes from answering the call of nature, or you have been in contact with women (i.e. sexual intercourse) and you find no water, then perform Tayammum with clean earth and rub therewith your faces and hands. Allāh does not want to place you in difficulty, but He wants to purify you, and to complete His Favour on you that you may be thankful. (Al-Ma'idah 5:6)

So this shows us what breaks the ablution that Muslims must have before prayer.

2.) "And so does Muhammad (PB&J be upon him). He was absolutely obsessed with it. Here is what he had to say...."

The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) didn't actually say that. It was a polytheist saying that to Salman al-Farsi (a companion of the Prophet) mockingly. Here's the full hadeeth:

Salman said that (one among) the polytheists remarked: I see that your friend even teaches you about the excrement. He replied; Yes, he has in fact forbidden us that anyone amongst us should cleanse himself with his right hand, or face the Qibla. He has forbidden the use of dung or bone for it, and he has also instructed us not to use less than three pebbles (for this purpose).

3.) As for your list, 1, 2, 3, and 4 are all fine. 6 actually ties in with 4 (the purpose of that rule was for the sake of modesty).

As for 5, I'm not sure about that. I think it might be the opinion of some Muslims, but not all (or even most).

7 is correct - we are to avoid as much as possible facing the direction of our prayers or turning our back to it when urinating or defecating. It's a sign of respect.

lovemuslimah said...


8 and 9 are also correct. We use our left for removing impurities.

10 is true. We do most things in odd numbers.

11, 12, and 13 I've never heard of.

14 is referring to Muslims. Disbelievers have punishments for a lot worse than urine. For disbelievers, the punishment in the grave is only the beginning of eternity in Hell. For the sinful Muslims who died without repenting, the punishment in the grave only serves to decrease the sins so that they can go to Paradise once they're purified.

Never heard of 15-20. It seems you took it from a somewhat dubious site....or a site that only a certain segment of Muslims follow.

21, if you look at the source you provided from islam-qa (what you have in your footnotes as "2"), it shows that it's disliked to speak unnecessarily while answering the call of nature. And if you were being honest, the link shows that "one should not greet a person who is answering the call of nature, or return a greeting whilst one is answering the call of nature, out of respect to Allaah by not mentioning His name in a dirty place." [Translator’s note: the Islamic greeting is “al-salaam ‘alaykum (peace be upon you)”; one of the names of Allaah is al-Salaam (the Peace)].

22 is correct. We don't clean ourselves with bones or dung (gross?) and we are told to make sure we are clean (thus the command of using sufficient material).

23 is also taken from that dubious site.

You already mentioned 24 in point 1.

25 & 26 - yep. Both true. However, unlike other religions (and unlike mythologies), we do not have certain gods for certain things. Our Lord is our Lord in all things. And we have prayers for just about everything. Leaving the house, entering the house, greeting someone, leaving someone, ascending, descending, traveling, breaking a fast, settling a debt, for rain, for anxiety or sorrow, etc. Here's a link to show you the supplications we make that come from the Qur'aan/sunnah: http://makedua.com/

27 - a.) where does it say "any" of these rules? Because I don't see it.
b.) Devils can possess people any moment when a person's faith is weak (and they don't know the proper way to keep jinn away).




And maybe you work/learn slowly, but none of this takes up much time.

Also, I'm proud of my religion being so complete & perfect. God has told us everything we need to know.

Al Mas said...

Hmmm...almost all of what you quoted are from one or more of the collections of sayings attributed to the Prophet.

These were put together about a 100 odd years or more after the passing of the Prophet, so you can imagine just how reliable they are not only in the actual words used, but the context.
How do you convey context after 100 odd years? What if the Prophet was directing something at an illiterate desert dweller? What if he is being tonque-in-cheek?

What basically you have demonstrated is the unreliability of these hadiths though various Muslim scholars through the ages have tried their best to sieve the unreliable from the reliable.

I think if would be more fruitful if we just focus on the Quran itself for purposes of critiqueing Islam. The hadith is a distraction best left to practising Muslims, in my opinion.

As an aside, you are aware of the toilet habits of Europe as late as the Middle Ages aren't you?

Steve Wells said...

Al Mas:

Hmmm...almost all of what you quoted are from one or more of the collections of sayings attributed to the Prophet.

That's true. The quotes in the post are from the hadith -- sayings or acts of Muhammad that most Muslims consider essential to interpreting and applying the Quran in their daily lives.

These were put together about a 100 odd years or more after the passing of the Prophet, so you can imagine just how reliable they are not only in the actual words used, but the context.

Yes, of course, the hadith is complete bullshit, just ilike the Quran. But it is believed to be true by nearly all of the 1.3 billion or so Muslims that are living today.

I think if would be more fruitful if we just focus on the Quran itself for purposes of critiqueing Islam. The hadith is a distraction best left to practising Muslims, in my opinion.

Since the hadith is considered essential to Islam by modern Muslims, it should be considered essential to an evaluation of Islam.

As an aside, you are aware of the toilet habits of Europe as late as the Middle Ages aren't you?

No, not really. But whatever they might have been, they are irrelevant to modern Christians, while Muhammad's bizarre bathroom obsessions still plague the Muslim world.

mike said...

Steve,

I Know you will be a muslim one Day
if you r invistigating islam this deep then you r to be muslim soon.. congratulations!!

Islam is a thoroughly detailed way of life, it is the complete Manual( directory) from God on how to operate this God created Machine ( which is human)..

the amazing details about how to go bathroom, how to sleep and when, how /much to eat and what and what not to eat..etc all completely acomply with science and health.
which can never happen unless this a divinly inspired to mohammed by the only God, the Creator of All

terriclark said...

I laughed so hard I peed on myself!

dreas seef said...

I wonder whatv would happen if i pee 'd completely naked on the black cube of saturn at mecca. Also people said their god is so great cause he tells tgyou everything. Well not wiping your bum with poo is um. Idk common sense? I mean why would you wipe poo with poo? Gods people must be dumb. Or as my sweet grandma used to say dumb dumb.

Fred Howard said...

Steve

in your earlier comments you try and make it sound like you heavily researched the topic When writing the article...

loveMuslima gave a detailed response to your article pointing out Where you made errors and Where possibly you just made things up, most likely because you probably thought the rules actually make Sense and felt you had to add things to mock it. Im Curious to why you have not responded to loveMuslima's Comments?

You Seem to have responded to all other Muslim Comments which in all fairness did not make their points very clear.

Have you not responded to Lovemuslima's comments because What he / she wrote is the actual truth and the version you wrote in your article was just you being a bit of an idiot?

A Spade's a spade said...

Fred:

Seriously? Are you a dhimmi or what? Steve's article brilliantly points out the many inanities that the religion of piss puts forth regarding going to the toilet. Ms. lovemuslimah tries to refute the article by saying some of those inanities are correct and others come from “dubious” sites. Who cares as to which one is "authentic" or "reliable" or not? Muslim always like to point at certain hadith as not authentic, while claiming that others are. Some Muslims don't believe in following the traditions of the hadith (probably because they're more shocking in nature than the Quran is!). Who cares? The point is, as the article title clearly states, that Islam is obsessed with bodily functions... like going to the bathroom. But its even more obsessed with sex.

BTW, poor Ms. lovemuslimah is deluded, brainwashed Muslim. She’s “proud of her religion being so complete and perfect.” Yeah, well then she’s a perfect example of why ol’ Mohammed said that women were deficient in religion and intelligence. (Bukhari 1:6:301). Or maybe Ms. lovemuslimah thinks that hadith is “dubious”?

And maybe little Ms. lovemuslimah is also proud of the fact that her husband can beat her—and edict from Allah himself. (This is NOT a hadith, read Quran 4:34 and 38:44.) There are many hadith that certainly prove that the Prophet and his companions took these verses to heart.

I’m sure Ms. lovemuslimah can hardly conceal her pride in the fact that Mohammed was a pedophile, consummating (i.e., raping) a nine-year-old girl, Aisha, whom he had married when she was six. He was 52. Nice!

And yes, Ms. lovemuslimah is also SO proud that men can take up to four wives, and have all the sex slaves they want. They’re also allowed to rape captive women, and take them as slaves. After all, Mohammed, the most perfect example of humankind, did it himself. (Hey, jihad anyone?)

Oh, yeah, thank Allah that Mohammed only advocated for FGM to be done “not too deep”... but only because it’s better for the husband (or if your a slave, your master).

I guess ol’ Mohammed was right, but only partially: women ARE deficient in religion and intelligence... but just the Muslim women.

Ms. lovemuslimah, if you read this, I’ll be happy to quote all the sources here. Or you can educate yourself. You must be lucky enough to live in Europe or in the North America. But you’re an idiot if you can still be proud of your religion if you’re okay with everything I’ve talked about above. Your prophet and religion has relegated your worth as a human to your vagina. Prove me wrong.

Anyway Fred, not to put too much of a fine point on it, but STFU unless you know what you’re talking about. No offense, of course.

ستایش said...

Hello!
I am s Muslim and I am proud that we have such regulations and a lot more than that.

rija adnan said...

I am sorry but I can't see a problem with Islam teaching you hygeinic and practical toilet etiquettes

rija adnan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rija adnan said...

When somebody researches about Islamic teachings regarding one aspect of life he may think that Islam is mostly about that only but he fails to realise that Islam provides guidance in many many aspects of life and that is why Muslims call it a complete way of life and any person Muslim or not who has a sound knowledge about Islam would know that Islam is not at all mostly about toilet rules if the ratio of these etiquettes is taken to the rest of Islam hence the writers claim that Islam is mostly about toilet etiquettes is false and absurd
These ettiquettes are an important but small part of Islam
For those who don't know islam is mainly about submitting your will to Allah by doing what He commands e.g. by doing things that are good for you and the Society and forbidding evil and enjoining good all in hope of receiving reward from Allah and not for material gains

rija adnan said...

Steed martin quran is a book of signs not science however the scientific accuracy in it is a. Sign read this: http://www.everymuslim.co.za/index.php/articles-menu/islamic-medicine-menu/1198-quran-and-modern-science--dr-zakir-naik

A Spade's a spade said...

As usual, Muslims make excuses for the inanities of their regulations. I see that the people who have commented lately are happy for the rules and regulations... I guess they're convinced that they need these to live a good life: Who cares if you use your right hand or your left hand, as long as you clean them afterwards? How can not facing Mecca when you take a shit be good for society? And really, the "prophet" had to tell his followers to use three stones to clean your behinds instead of say, two? One? Why not five? Obviously they're so brainwashed they can't see the ridiculousness of this "hygienic" regulations.

Islam is not a religion, it's a fascist political belief with Allah (the pagan moon god of the area) thrown in to make it enforceable. It was started by a narcissist, delusional, pedophile warlord who needed people to worship him. Yes: worship. How many times does it say in the Koran that if you don't obey Allah AND the prophet you are doomed? Funny how Allah always gave Mohammed what he wanted: plenty of booty and women.

To stay on point: the only way for narcissist to function is to get people do even the most mundane things a certain way, hence all the regulations. Other major religions are more concerned with the spiritual aspects of life, and while certain rules are put forth to ensure the health and good of society in general, these religions wisely don't go into the minutia of living—because they're not fascist ideologies that must control every aspect of living (which is what Mohammed wanted: complete control... and he got it).

And WHATEVER on the "scientific accuracy" of the Koran... more apologist BS... There is NO science in the Koran.

Sasha Kimi said...

I guess these verses are a smokescreen. By having these outrageous fetishes, God is trying to test how good a blind believer you will be . I am a Hindu so I'm just guessing!!

A Spade's a spade said...

Sasha, my thoughts are that The Eternal wants us to be wise, to know the truth. That means being skeptical and to question—so that you can find the truth. In Islam, you aren't allowed to question. You must follow blindly. It demands you be a robot to ritual. It in fact, demands that you be a slave. Why would God need slaves?

Quite the antithesis to other religions. Oh... that's because Islam is not really a religion... it's a cult.

faisy wish said...

The Prophet Muhammad (saas), whom Allah tells us in the Holy Qur’an He sent as a “Mercy to the Worlds,” abided by Islamic moral values with the utmost joy and enthusiasm right up to the end of his life, a life which constituted a role model for others.
Islamic matrimonial

A Spade's a spade said...

At the end of Mohammed's life—on his death bed!—he was exhorting his followers to kill Christians and Jews. Yes, he was following the moon god Allah. Moral values? Yes, raping and pillaging are morally okay in Islam, and old Mo did it with gusto. Yes, faisy wish, what a role model!!

Mohammad Tariq said...

this is very bias and you should consider something unbias AND not full of hatespeech like

http://islamicsystem.blogspot.co.uk/2005/12/why-are-you-muslim.html

A Spade's a spade said...

M. Tariq: Hate speech? You mean facts are hate speech? I guess it's only hate speech when it's non-Muslims criticizing Mohammed, but it's not hate speech when Muslims talk about killing all Jews. Like Mohammed wanted told Muslims to do. Or subject Christians and Jews to jizyah. Whatever. Cry me a river.

And ha! You want us to consider something unbiased so you posted an Islamic site...You realize how biased that is, right?

Zarathustra said...

This is a lot of 'SHIT' to remember!!!!

srizals said...

Washing your hands makes you HAPPIER: Cleaning boosts our confidence and washes away feelings of failure

Study found that the ritual of cleaning makes us more optimistic after failure

People were also more confident they could complete the task the next time
Previous research found hand washing made people feel more comfortable about decisions they had made


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2476507/How-washing-hands-makes-HAPPIER-Cleaning-boosts-confidence-washes-away-feelings-failure.html#ixzz2iukySDlp
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

A Spade's a spade said...

srizals: What does washing your hands have to do with this conversation?

Andrea Trunzo said...

I'd love to see you approach a Muslim and ask them about bathroom etiquette face to face..... lol but I doubt you will ever do that, because you're just like rest who hide behind their computer and say nonsense!!!!
May Allah guide you ;-)

Steve Wells said...

Andrea said: "I'd love to see you approach a Muslim and ask them about bathroom etiquette face to face."

How would they react? Like I'd drawn a cartoon of Muhammad?

"You're just like rest who hide behind their computer and say nonsense!!!!"

Did I say something incorrect about Muslim bathroom behavior? If so, please correct me. If not, why do you call it "nonsense"?

backoffice ij said...

Religion is like a school. No one can force you to join a certain school but once you join, you have to follow certain rules. There are many things which outsiders can't understand. Same is the case with Islam, if you don't study it completely, you would misunderstand many things because every rule or way in islam is interlinked with others.
Some rules are for physical health (eg hygiene rules etc), Some are for a healthy soul (saying prayers,supplications etc).
Never following rules, making fun of what is honorable to others; you call it 'freedom' but I call it ' death of soul',

islam said...

i ask allah to give you understanding may he give you so much love for islam that you would be in the forefront amen may allah turn you and your families to islam may allah bless you all

shubbee shamsudin said...

May Allah, in whose hand is our heart is, guide you and show up the beauty of islam! amin. If you go out in the world wanting to believe/see only negative things then that is all you see. I hope your world is not filled with negativity but rather with love and mercy and genuine desire to learn about whatever you research. May God's peace be with you!

Abhinav said...

The most hilarious comments are the ones made by educated Muslims and if someone points out about completely ridiculous and retarded practices of Islam some of them will star commenting like " May Allah forgive you, May allah show you the light and that you are misinterpreting Islam" ... Reality Check ... Every one of us is a Human ... Nothing more and Nothing less and to my retarded friends who divide on the basis of religion ... Reality Check again "God didn't make religion, Man did". God gave you a brain to use, its the most fascinating and beautiful organ, why the hell would God be bothered about writing a book about how to live? He gave you a brain and some retard wrote a Quoran and it should serve as a guide about how an individual should live. You people are a disgrace to the human race ... You should be able to see that anything which divides humanity is the greatest evil that has ever existed and is also the biggest murderer of the human race. Global warming? The human race would be extinct much before global warming effects us if it were up to religion ... we will just kill each other in name of god ... Use your brains and not the Qoran for the love of allah you pathetic nincompoops

Kingpimp said...

95% of what Steve wrote is "hadith" (supposed narrations of what the messenger said written by others) only one line is from the Quran itself. Hadith is mostly fabricated, written by people hundreds of years after Muhammad died, rewritten hundreds of times and are still revised and debated to this day. Mostly written by non-muslims with the purpose to make Islam seem silly with silly illogical rules that have no grounds in the Quran. A lot of these narrations are complete contradictions to what the Quran orders.
Of course not all of them are bad some (very few) are probably OK (there is no guarantee), so to really understand Islam you should completely disregard Hadith, internalize the Quran by it self with your own brain and soul and then cherrypick Hadith which enrich your life, feel right and in accordance to the true philosophy of Islam (e.g. "Do not waste water even if you were at a running stream" logical and enriching). The Quran itself states that no other narration should be acknowledged other than the one that is already perfect - the Quran

On the subject of science in the Quran and recent advances

cataract medicine from the Quran
http://yassarnalquran.wordpress.com/2010/10/15/an-international-patent-for-quranic-eye-drops/

a whole site on the topic of quran and science
http://www.quranandscience.com/

wikipedia if anyone still reads it
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qur%27an_and_miracles

there's also stuff on plate tectonics, cycle of water, formation of clouds, the expansion of space, black holes, the pharaoh that french guy found, the speed of light accurate to the 9th decimal, physics, a lot of astronomy in general, embryo development described in detail, dietary medicine...the list goes on.

there's my 5 cents (more like 105, rather prolix)

Kingpimp said...

@Abhinav

Why would science print books if we have all these beautiful brains...we can all just figure out science on our own.
Calling people retards based on their belief is just plain bigotry. Quantum physics, evolution, general relativity and most of modern science is also a religion based on a leap of faith. You really have to believe in multidimensional universes, disappearing electrons and transitional species of apes and fish that have never been found.

Nicompoop, from Latin non compos mentis meaning “not of sound mind”... Basing your life on theories that are far from proven, cannot be proven in the next 10,000 years if we all wanted to (the maths has been done on this too) let alone ever becoming axioms, is a bit not sound of mind in my book. There's more truth in one line of that Quran than in any Richard Dawking's masturbation session which you probably love.
Pathetic bitter bigot

Mr. Fraggle said...

*Yawn* I'm kind of disappointed that an atheist put so much effort into ridiculement. Like, of all the things you could do to contribute to the world, you chose to be an ethnocentric dolt, while I'm over here trying to enjoy my Islam, while also trying to figure how to utilize quantum mechanics to neutralize the base need for energy, or just figure out how to get rid of the growing passivism that's enveloping today's middle-class youth. Kudos though, buddy, on the fact that you've been able to put so much effort into it. At least you've found some purpose in life.

Steve Wells said...

Sorry to bore you Mr. Fraggle. I know how busy you are fighting passivism while saving the world with quantum mechanics. But did I get any of the bathroom details wrong in my post?

Joe B said...

22What an idiot... it is like saying if you follow all the rules of traffic and driving you wont have time to get to your work or do anything else... it becomes like a second nature, you do it habitually, same as driving, after you learn how to.

Karen Walters Griffee said...

If a Muslim wets his pants (or robe), will murdering a Christian relieve him of the grave punishment on his way directly to Paradise?

Jennifer! said...

I'm curious as to why people take the time to bash others religions? I get that there's a lot of crap in there that's just not agreeable, but what do you personally gain from spending the time to discredit them? They have found some good in it and it helps them to make this life on earth more tolerable or shows them a way of living that they find peace with...more power to them. There's always going to be extremists and people who do things in the name of religion that are atrocious...but in general religion is typically a good thing for many people. I don't understand the intolerance and need to bash.